• Posted: 8:31 AM
  • |
  • Author: Mary

There is a serious genetic condition that runs in my family. It is passed through the maternal side of the family and is a very strong, dominate gene. Since it has not yet been identified or studied by the modern medical establishment, our family has taken it upon itself to name and define the characteristics. We call it "Italian Grandma Syndrome" or "IGS" (rhymes with digs) for short. I am aware that it exists in other families also and sometimes manifests itself in varied ways.

You will know that you are in danger of developing the condition if you have heard the following phrases from your mother or grandmother. The bad news is that it is too late to save you if you are already using some of these phrases your self....

The Classic: "Somebody died like that once!"
Variations of that classic: "Don't run you are gonna fall and break your neck!"
"I can't watch!" (usually said when the dad's are doing something with the kids that could or could not be considered dangerous)
"Put that down your gonna poke your eye out!"

In relation to the baby:
"I've zunzed him until I'm blue in the face" or "I've been zunzing my brains out all day and he is still fussing. I don't know WHAT to do with him!"
(Zunzing is an action that mothers do with babies to calm them down and/or get them to sleep. It includes bouncing them while hugging them on your shoulder and patting their back or bottom. The more desperate the mother becomes, the more vigorous the zuzing action becomes.)

"Look at him lookin'! I've never seen a baby that smart, he looks at everything!"

Often people (women) suffereing from IGS will misunderstanding things that you say and therefor the response they give you is totally inappropriate. For example you say you left something at their house the other night and they think you said you took something home with you that wasn't yours so their response is "oh, no problem, don't worry about getting it back to me." At this point, it is usually pointless to try to reexplain it to the woman as it just leads to farther confusion.

Another thing that commonly occurs and can be dangerous if you are unaware of it is that stories are retold in forms that barely (if at all ) resemble the original. This includes words and opinions being put in your mouth that you never said or expressed and may in fact believe quite the opposite. This is a result of the inability of the woman to really listen to what you are saying with out thinking about what she THINKS you are saying.

I have to say that I knew I was a goner when my sister informed me that I was committing the following faux pas last Christmas. Truthfully I was mortified to discover that I am really this far gone. This symptom is talking VERY loud in the phone especially in public places. This is sadly often a result a combination of excitement and distraction.

While on the topic of difficulty communicating on the telephone it is worth mentioning that in the older generation this is often manifested by woman leaving the phone off the hook for long periods of time with out being aware. Her daughters, being aware of the difficulty, have established a phone protocol to call the neighbor and have the neighbor inform woman to return the phone to the proper position so she can receive calls.

In the younger generations (those with cell phones), woman will often call someone (in the family) and forget she has called. This will result in a long voice mail on family member's phone with who knows what manner of conversation in the back ground. This often happens while traveling in the car, but not always. Usually woman tires to blame this on the phone calling by itself. I have to admit that when it happens to me, it is not in the car and it is because I set the phone down while it was connecting and just walked away and forgot (I do have 3 very serious distractions in my house, though).

Women suffering from IGS are always concerned that there will not be enough food for their guests. You want to make sure that if everyone goes through the food line 2-3 times, there will be enough left of everything for everyone to have what they want and for your adult children to be able to bring home left overs. Because of this you will often hear in the before dinner discussion...
"Do you think we have enough?!?"
"I think we should boil another two pounds of spaghetti!"
"I better get that chicken out of the freezer and roast it in case we don't have enough meat!"

A prime example of this symptom occurred during preparation for my wedding 8 years ago. My mom bought 1500 packets of sugar at SAMS, a box of sweet-n-low AND a box of Equal...just in case every guest at the wedding wanted 3 cups of coffee and every guest wanted sugar, sweet-n-low, or Equal. It took 7 years to use the left overs!!

These women are often attempting to force affections between their family members (especially at events like the above). In these cases you will often hear something like...
"Give your brother a hug!"
"Tell your sister how much you love her!"
"Tell your brother how you were about to die from missing him!"
or in my case...
"Go play with your brother or I'll put you in time-out!"

Signs of severe IGS include having the following reaction when your child comes up to you saying
"Mom, I need to tell you something"
(VERY loud gasp) "What is it!" (expecting the worst news possible)
Please realize that in this context, the child may only be coming to tell you that they would like to help you make dinner or any other very undramatic thing.

In EXTREME cases the above situation becomes:
Child- "Mom" (they don't get past this word when...)
Woman- (gasp) "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT!!)

If you have not noticed, all phrases spoken by person suffering from IGS are punctuated with an exclamation mark. Often, this explanation mark is actually an understatement. Also, phrases are often accompanied by wild gesturing with hands and vigorous finger wagging.

Please if you have stories to share, guests posts are very welcome. Email them to me and I will put them up...